she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
