I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
