You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
