are you still at the devil's house?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
