You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
