dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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