I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
