The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
