I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
