I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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