turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
