I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
