her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
