i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
