i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
