You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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