I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
