I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
