careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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