So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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