margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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