apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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