I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
