you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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