Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
