You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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