All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
