She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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