I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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