hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
