I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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