we have officially lost it.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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