I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
