Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
