Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
