So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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