You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
