3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm jealous of your bromance
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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