life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
