Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
