I accidentally had phone sex last night
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
