god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
