Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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