can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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