Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
