I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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