I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
