i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
