1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
