you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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